Wheezy doesn't only live on the east side

I'm not at death's door. I'm certainly not a hypochondriac. If anything I am tackling this winter cough due to cold with practicality just as a doctor or mom would. Granted, I make a misstep here or there. Who has time for bed rest? And OK maybe that ONE cigarette after that phlegm producing cheese plate was pushing it.

But this wheezing and whistling? I sound like I'm in a TB sanatorium for crying out loud. Should I start invoking the spirit of Doc Holiday and lament my 'consumption' over a poker table?

At some point during the psychedelic fever dreams, I had an epiphany. Or maybe more of a clever marketing strategy. I have single handedly kept Celestial Seasons Teas in business this week. I bundle up and walk a block to my local bodega to stand and marvel at their selection. They cover their bases and certainly don't disappoint you in your requirements for healing.
They've got the requisite Green and Black and Chamoille. But there's Detox and Menstrual and Echinacea and Ginseng Energy and Diet and Sleepytime Throat and Tension Tamer. My God It's impressive.
They should keep it going though? Branch out further. REALLY take care of every possible ailment or mood?

How's about...
I Just Passed my G.E.D. Tea.
I Stubbed my Toe Tea.
Ebay Auction Loser Tea.
His Facebook Status Denotes a Hint of Irony Tea.
Cognitive Dissonance Tea.
Ipod Warranty Expiration Tea.

Can you dig it?
I kneeeeeew that you could.

Love in the Time of Anthrax

Those posters in the subways CRACK ME UP. The ones that say 'Feeling under the weather today?' (And it shows an umbrella and raining aspirin.) ...And the tag line reads, 'Best thing to do is not get on the train.'

Riiight. Hey you just walking down the subway steps! Listen before you get on the train...Lemme ask ya something... Not feeling so good today huh? Under the weather? Listen, Go home. Explain to your boss that you saw this poster and REALLY thought about it and decided that you actually didn't feel so good. You can totally BLAME us, the MTA. Because GOD FORBID you get on the subway and transmit GERMS on the seats and poles! So just turn around and get back in bed. The MTA really doesnt want to stop the L train if you faint or puke. There's like only so many L trains to go around and we need to squish as many hipsters and yuppies (and police cadets and overworked nurses and mariachi bands and high school kids selling candy for basketball uniforms ) into the train. We certainly can't hold up our inefficient system to aid you in a medical emergency. As a matter of fact...even if your finger hurts...you should probably just stay off the train. We keep saying we're gonna add more trains but we really can't afford it. So instead we're just gonna ask everyone who doesn't feel well...to just...uhh... NOT take the train.
So if you suffer from any of these ailments...

Nausea
Irritability and short tempers
Hostility
Homicidal impulses
Rapid loss of mental clarity
Amnesia
Kidney failure
Diarrhea
Muscle aching and weakness
Tingling or cramping in the legs
Inability to walk
Problems sleeping
Constipation
Impaired muscle formation
Erectile dysfunction
Nerve damage
Mental confusion
Alcoholism
Envy
Gluttony
Sloth
Lust
Greed
Wrath
Pride
or
Apathy...

Please turn around and go home and stay off the train...

Thank you and have a nice day (at home),
THE NY MTA